Friday, January 29, 2016

the case of the rotting mom

I've been haunted by this creeping feeling lately that I'm rotting away in this world. I'm sitting here in my house watching everyone live vibrant, lovely, progressive lives--and I'm. just. rotting. away.

You know what I mean?

If you do, there's at least two of us in this boat.

There's always this fear lurking in the background of our lives: the fear that struggling financially isn't good enough. The fear that having no degree isn't good enough. The fear that we won't ever measure up, so please don't stare too long lest you find out who I really am.

The fear that being just who we are, right where we are isn't good enough.

And my goodness, does that fear drives us to think and do some crazy things.

The past few weeks I've been itching to start a new project. Maybe draft a book? Outline a website? Come up with a business idea? (The Type-A in me is getting bored.)

My main line of thought has been, "What can come out of my years as a stay-at-home mom?" Part of me doesn't want to be "just a stay-at-home mom." Part of me feels like I'm going to "waste" my years as a stay-at-home mom.

Not my kids' years; my years. Like when the babies are off to school, bright-eyed and chipper as can be, I'll emerge from some dark and dank den with disheveled hair, blinking a million times over to try to adjust to the sunlight I've missed for so long. Smart TVs will be the stuff of legend and Apple will be nothing more than a fruit again.

I'm being overly dramatic, but seriously, friends, this is how bad it gets sometimes. I feel like I'm rotting away, and that is the picture that comes to mind.

Who will I be if I don't accomplish any feats, brave unknown territories, and make a name for myself?

Who will I be if I'm just an ordinary person, living an ordinary life?

Because let's be honest, that's what this fear is about: living and dying and not being remembered in history books, mentioned in songs, or re-created as a toy.

Living and dying and being a no-one.
Living and dying and being forgotten.

In a world where we're taught that who we are is what we do, it's hard to believe otherwise. It's hard to take the truth at its word.

You are more than accomplishments.
You are more than failures.
You are more than dids, dos, and will dos.

You don't have to be extra-ordinary.
You don't have to have a gazillion followers.
You don't even have to be known.

You just gotta do what you gotta do.

That one thing that you can't stop thinking about.
That one thing that gets your heart pumping.
That one thing you want to do but don't to do because of the raised eyebrows, skeptical looks, and peer pressure.

That thing.
Do it.

Do it faithfully. Do it well. Do it shamelessly. Do it with everything you've got.

"Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things, and give me life in your ways" Psalm 119:37 ESV.

brave together,