Friday, January 29, 2016

the case of the rotting mom

I've been haunted by this creeping feeling lately that I'm rotting away in this world. I'm sitting here in my house watching everyone live vibrant, lovely, progressive lives (thank you, social media)--and I'm. just. rotting. away.

You know what I mean?

If you do, there's at least two of us in this boat.

There's this fear lurking in the background of our lives: the fear that struggling financially isn't good enough. The fear that having no degree isn't good enough. The fear that we won't ever measure up, so please don't stare too long lest you see who I really am.

The fear that being just who we are, right where we are isn't good enough.

And my goodness, does that fear drives us to think and do some crazy things (more stories for another day).

The past few weeks I've been itching to start a new project. Maybe draft a book? Outline a website? Come up with a business idea? The Type-A in me is getting restless. It needs to produce something in order to feel important.

My main line of thought has been, "What can come out of my years as a stay-at-home mom?" Part of me doesn't want to be "just" a stay-at-home mom (what do I even mean by that?!). Part of me feels like I'm going to "waste" these years (work = worth).

Part of me thinks that when the babies are off to school, bright-eyed and chipper as can be, I'll emerge from some dark and dank den with disheveled hair, blinking a million times over to try to adjust to the sunlight I've missed for so long. We'll run on Intelligent TVs and Banana.

Who will I be if I don't accomplish any feats, pioneer into unknown territories, and make a name for myself?
Who will I be if all I ever am is a (insert your situation)?

Because let's be honest, that's what this fear is about: living and dying and not being remembered in history books, mentioned in songs, or re-created as a toy (even though no one looks good as a toy).

You are more than accomplishments.
You are more than failures.
You are more than dids, dos, and will dos.

You don't have to be extra-ordinary.
You don't have to have a gazillion followers.
You don't even have to be known.
You just gotta do what you gotta do. [tweet]

And what is it that you gotta do?

That one thing you'd do even if no one paid you to do it, asked you to do it, or saw you do it. That one thing that gets your heart pumping. That one thing you want to do but don't do because of the raised eyebrows, skeptical looks, and peer pressure.

That thing.
Do it.

Do it faithfully. Do it well. Do it shamelessly. Do it with everything you've got.

"Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things, and give me life in your ways" Psalm 119:37 ESV.

brave together,