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Wednesday, December 9, 2015

the nightmare after birth

Nothing could have prepared me for it. Not books, not friends--not even my dearly, beloved mom. So when it hit, it hit hard.

Postpartum hair loss was a nightmare.

With Madeline my hair grew as thick as it does in my dreams. I remember holding my breath, willing my hair follicles to stay shut like the doors of Erebor. Four months passed and I let out a sigh of relief. I had escaped. That gold atop my head? No dragon was getting to that.

Then out of nowhere, I started to see them everywhere. On the floor, on the pillows--dare I say it?--in my food. My hair. Not on my head like it was supposed to be. But everywhere else.

I thought my first round of postpartum hair loss was bad. I thought I knew what was coming. I had no idea.

This time postpartum hair loss hit in full force. I was literally losing clumps of hair. I was effortlessly and painlessly pulling out hair. I was horrified. I got frustrated to the point that I shook my fist at God and asked if He saw this injustice happening.

I called Him out for not caring.

He called me out for not remembering.

"God even knows how many hairs are on your head" (Mat. 10:30 NCV).

God always gets the last word, doesn't He?

I've read that verse before, but it hit home this time because I was crying over the hairs on my head. God even knows how many hairs are on my head. This head, whose hairs are here one moment and gone the next. This head, who's now sporting out-of-control baby hair (nothing prepares you for this, either!). God was paying closer attention to me than I was.

The past few weeks I've been committing a worry over to God. I've been laying a fear down at the foot of the cross and letting my good Jesus take care of it. Or so I thought.

Last night Yeng came home with a piece of paper that resolved my fears. I let out a breath I didn't even know I'd been holding.

And then I realized what little faith I had.

Yeng came home with a piece of paper that resolved my fears. I told myself I had committed this worry to God, but I spent the entire waiting period in anxiety, not in faith. I didn't trust in the God who's been by my side my entire life to give me peace. I trusted in this sheet of paper--which didn't exist until that evening--to give me peace.

I'm reminded of how little faith I have.
I'm reminded of how gracious God is and how faithful He remains even when I'm not.

Friends, whatever is weighing down your heart today, give it to God. Whatever is stealing your joy, give it to God. He knows your bills are due. He knows you're hanging on by a thread. He knows it feels out of control. He sees right where you are, just as you are--and He wants you to know that He's taking care of it.

Your finances,
Your marriage,
Your kids--
He's taking care of it.

Your fears,
Your dreams,
Your life--
He's taking care of it.
Your life? He's taking care of it. [tweet]

"He has made everything beautiful in its time" (Ecc. 3:11 NIV).

with much love,