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Thursday, December 3, 2015

one thing I wish I knew before getting married

Around the end of year two of our marriage, I started to notice a change in my attitude towards my husband. I didn't like him as much as I used to. I found things he did annoying and habits he had counterproductive.

Thus marked the end of the honeymoon phase.


As my girlfriends and I shared about our marriages and our struggles, my heart broke along with theirs. Loneliness, anger, confusion, bitterness--all of these parasites and more haunted our relationships.

Marriage was definitely--incomparably--much more difficult than any of us had imagined. Marriage  hurt more than we imagined.


At first I thought it was our husbands. After all, we were all loving wives who wanted the best for our husbands. But it's never that simple, is it? (And really, what are the chances that all of our husbands were the problem?)

Countless nights of reflection and journaling helped me understand the root of my agony. It had everything to do with the one thing I took for granted before I got married. The one thing I thought I was good at. And that one thing was gonna cost me my marriage if I didn't give it up.

Love.

See, while we were dating and throughout our honeymoon years, I thought I had a lot of love to give. I thought I was good at loving Yeng.

The one thing I wish I knew before getting married?

I don't and I'm not.

Chances are, if you're struggling right now in your marriage, thoughts similar to this may be what's causing it. We think we can count on our love to "be enough" to carry us through our troubles, past our differences, in spite of our flaws. But our love is not enough because we don't know how to love well.

Two people who don't know how to love well came together, promised to love each other, and then realized they didn't know how to do that one thing they promised. Unfortunately, they're stuck together forever anyway. At this point, some people choose to call it quits.

But some people choose to do their hardest to honor their commitment with blood, sweat, and tears.


Dear friends, this is where we are: At the end of ourselves with no idea of where to go next. We've finally admitted that our love is not enough to save our marriage.

So what now?

Go back to God. Back to minute prayers and prayers of desperation whenever you remember. Back to simple "God help me's" and "Give me patience, Lord." Go back to the source of love and learn to believe in Him again, in His power to save and redeem what we can't.

Because until we give up and let God do what He does best, nothing will change.

I leave you with this clever little quip: "No God, no love. Know God, Know love."

To God be all the glory forever.

with much love,