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Wednesday, November 18, 2015

jonah gets a new face

I knew I knew better. But I didn't want to be the bigger person. I didn't want to do the right thing because taking the higher road is unpleasant. It meant I had to make sacrifices that I was too selfish to make. It meant I had to say no to my own desires when I already felt I rarely ever got things my way.

So yes, I spent the summer and fall in outright rebellion against what I knew God was telling me to do. I was selfish and not only bought my ticket to Tarshish, but brought along a lifeboat for when the crew threw me over. Toss me to the whale already.

It was bad enough I knew in my heart that my insecurities encouraged me to act against God's will, but it wasn't bad enough to bring me to the foot of the cross.

And God won't have any of that.

So there I was, confessing to my sisters one of my darkest secrets: I have this need to be needed.

Need as in craving.
Need as in desperation.
Need as in addiction.

I need to be needed.

I felt so ugly confessing it. Filled with shame. Filled with disgust. I didn't want them near my kids because I felt threatened by their love for my kids: that they might love my babies better than me, and win the hearts of the children I bore and I. would. be. forgotten.

And I couldn't have that, because I needed to be needed to feel important, special, loved. I needed my kids to need me, not Jesus or anybody else, lest they rob me of my significance on this earth.

Oh, the things we do for ourselves. To make it seem as though we have our junk together. To make it seem as though we are wonderful mothers, lovers, leaders, Christians...

Woe is me.
Woe is me.
Woe is me.

I felt the weight of my shame. And I felt the depth of His love.

So they did. They dragged me out from where I was cowering in fear of the truth and hurled me into the sea. As I hit the waves, I cried. Out of frustration, out of relief, out of hopelessness.

Sitting here in the belly of the fish has been cleansing. The entire second chapter of Jonah is a prayer from Jonah to God, and now I know why. There's a heart change that needs to happen.

The only way out of this wilderness, this belly of a fish, is in through Christ. Through an intimate relationship with Jesus in which becoming more like Him frees you from all insecurities, doubts, and addictions.

"Sow righteousness for yourselves,
reap the fruit of unfailing love,
and break up your unplowed ground;
for it is time to seek the Lord,
until He comes and showers His righteousness on you." (Hosea 10:12)

with much love,