Monday, October 26, 2015

good-bye to sorry

You know that childhood take-the-world-by-storm confidence we had once upon a time? The call-auntie-fat, peek-into-the-next-stall, sing-off-key-at-the-top-of-my-lungs kind of confidence? I miss it.

I started to doubt my identity after getting married. Up until then, I was a poster child. When I said "I do," though, my poster fell off the wall.

As much as I loved my husband, I felt much of the world was telling me I was too young to get married. I did something I'd never done before: I hung my head in shame and apologized for my "mistake."

Not that I'd never done that before; but I'd never done something with complete confidence and peace, even with others looking on with disapproval, only to retreat in defeat thereafter.

They said I was too young. I believed them. And then I started living apologetically.

Traces of shame have followed me around since. I got married too young. Had my first baby too young--oh, and my second, too soon after (they'll probably think that when the third comes around, as well!).

Along with apologetic living came self-doubt. I started to think most people looked down on me, thought the lowest of me. What was I doing starting a family in college with no "real" job? Why was I rushing into life? How was I gonna make it (whatever "it" is)?

Self-doubt sucked the life out of my life. I was filled with bitterness and worry, which bled into how I valued my life. I became consumed with fixing my life. I stopped thinking about others.

The entirety of my life shrunk until it only revolved around me and what I thought was important. And trust me, that world is teeny tiny.

This week I accepted the fact that I've been living apologetically. I confessed my feelings of shame for not following the status quo. And I made a commitment to kick the apologetic life to the curb.

Will you keep this promise with me?
Today I stop apologizing for the good things I have. Today I embrace being a young college mom with no real job and young kids. Today I like who I am and where I am in life.
Friends, look around you. This is life. We can't miss it. Let's live it like it is.

with much love,